


The World Keeps Turning

by tabbytabbytabby



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Buck Is Christopher's Guardian, Episode: s03e15 Eddie Begins, Established Relationship, Flashbacks, Grief/Mourning, Hopeful Ending, Letters, M/M, Memories, One Year Later, Sad Evan "Buck" Buckley, Season/Series 03, Some Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-04-23
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:13:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23811379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tabbytabbytabby/pseuds/tabbytabbytabby
Summary: Eddie's gone, and Buck is left to try and pick up the pieces and put together a life for him and Christopher.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 74
Kudos: 281
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales, Death or Worse





	The World Keeps Turning

**Author's Note:**

> For Maddie, who prompted Eddie not making it out and well, the angst lover in me could not resist. I made myself cry writing this, so I hope you're satisfied 😆.
> 
> A note, that anything in italics is in the past, and everything in normal font is in the present (which is a year after canon).
> 
> Title comes from [The World Keeps Turning](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PeeC9NpIDyY) by Evan Taubenfeld if anyone wants some extra feels.

"Hey Chris, buddy, come on!" Buck calls. He frowns as he looks around the kitchen for his keys. He knows he brought them in here last night after he got home from shift. "We gotta go! We're gonna be late!"

He spots his keys near the fridge and grabs them before turning towards the hallway. It's silent. Too silent. 

No sign of acknowledgement from Christopher nor the sound of his crutches on the hardwood floor. Frowning, Buck pockets his keys and starts down the hall towards Christopher's room. "Christopher?" He's not inside, and for a moment Buck panics. Then he sees Eddie's door cracked open. 

Shit. 

He slowly walks the few steps towards the room and looks inside. Christopher is sitting on Eddie's bed, a box in front of him, along with a picture. 

Buck takes a deep breath and sits down next to him, "What do you have there, buddy?"

"Dad's medal," Christopher says. He holds up the object for Buck to see better. "He got it because he was a hero."

Buck reaches out and touches the medal. It feels like so long ago when Christopher showed up at the firehouse with Carla wanting to bring the medal to show and tell. 

He had. He'd told his class how much of a hero his dad was. Buck had never been more proud or amazed by the kid's strength. 

Buck looks at the picture next to him and his throw closes up. It's one of him, Eddie, and Christopher. They're sitting together on the couch at Bobby and Athena's, wide smiles on their faces. 

"I miss him," Christopher mumbles. 

Buck chokes on the emotion rising in his throat and reaches out, wrapping his arms around Christopher. "I miss him, too."

* * *

_Rain pours heavily down on them, making it hard to see. That doesn't stop Buck, or his determination to find Eddie. He claws at the muddy ground, screaming Eddie’s name, hoping that he can hear him. That he knows they’re still up here trying, and they’re not giving up._

_Wherever Eddie is, Buck’s going to find him._

_The search feels all too familiar to him. Images of wandering the streets screaming for Christopher come flooding back. Christopher had been fine. He’d come back to them. He has to believe Eddie will too. He has too much to come back to._

_He’s near the house when he hears commotion down by the water. People go running by him in different directions, barking orders or following them. He finally gets ahold of someone that’s running up the bank. “What’s going on?”_

_The woman’s face is grim, “They found a body in the lake.”_

_A body? Does that mean…? “They found Eddie?”_

_She nods, “Yes but…”_

_Buck is running before she can finish her sentence, his legs taking him towards the water. Towards Eddie. They found him. He’s going to be okay._

_There’s a group of people gathered by the water. All of them are standing still as they look down at something. No, someone._

_“Eddie!” Buck calls, trying to make his legs move faster. “Eddie!”_

_“Buck,” Bobby says, putting a hand out to stop him. “Buck, you shouldn’t…”_

_“Let me through!” Buck says, trying to shove past him. “Come on, let me through! Let me see him! Eddie!”_

_He ducks under Bobby’s arm and takes off, slipping and sliding on the mud as he makes his way down to the bank. He sees the orange of Eddie’s gear and moves faster. They’ve really found him. They found Eddie._

_“Buck,” Hen calls. “Buck you should stay back.”_

_“Why does everyone keep telling me that?” Buck questions. “And why is no one helping him up? Come on.”_

_“Buck…”_

_That’s Bobby again. There’s a note in his voice that Buck doesn’t like. He ignores him as he finally gets to the bank and kneels down next to Eddie._

_His eyes are closed and his face is red. He’s still, his fingers gripping tight to the necklace around his neck. Some part of Buck's brain registers that he’s too still. But the other part doesn’t get it. All he sees is his best friend, the man he loves, here in front of him._

_“Eddie,” he whispers, reaching out a hand to touch his face. He’s too cold. “Can someone get him a blanket? He has to be freezing.” When no one moves, Buck turns to glare at them. “Come on! Someone get him a damn blanket, and help me get him someplace warm. He shouldn’t wake up here.”_

_“Buck,” Bobby says, resting a hand on his shoulder. “Buck he’s…”_

_“He’s **fine** ,” Buck insists. He keeps touching his face, even as tears sting at his eyes. “He’s just tired, y’know? He…”_

_Bobby grabs his hand and lowers it down to Eddie’s neck. He waits for the steady pulse to thrum under his fingers. It doesn’t come. Buck shakes his head. “No. No. No!”_

_“Buck, he’s gone. They pulled him out and tried to save him but it was too late. He’d been under too long…”_

_“NO!” Buck shouts. He jerks his hand out of Bobby’s and brings his hands to Eddie’s chest. “He can’t be gone,” Buck says as he continues to administer compression. “He’s not. He’s going to be fine.” He stops and brings his mouth to Eddie’s, giving three long breaths, before moving back to his chest. “Do you hear me? Eddie you don’t get to die! Christopher needs you. I need you. Come on! Wake up! Eddie!”_

_Arms wrap around Buck from behind and Bobby’s voice speaks lowly in his ear, “Buck, you need to stop.”_

_“No we need to save him!” Buck says, struggling out of his hold. He throws himself on Eddie, wrapping his arms around him and pressing his face against his neck. “Eddie, please. Please.”_

_Sobs wrack his body as he lays there. Rain continues to pour down on them, mixing with the tears spilling from his eyes. He doesn’t feel it. He’s not sure he’ll ever feel anything again except this white hot grief gripping at his chest._

_“Please, come back to me,” he whispers, lips brushing against Eddie’s too cold skin. “I love you.”_

_The only answer he gets is a roar of thunder overhead. Eddie remains still beneath him._

* * *

It's been a year since they lost Eddie. He hates the word. They didn't _lose_ him. They failed him. Buck wasn't able to do what he'd promised years ago and have Eddie's back. He wasn't there when Eddie needed him, and because of that he's gone. Christopher no longer has his father, and Buck is left without the man he loves. 

He's been doing his best though, trying to be strong for Christopher. He's held him through his nightmares as he cried out for his dad, even when he felt close to breaking himself. 

Eddie had always told him being a parent meant being strong even when you felt your weakest. Buck gets that now. He just wishes he never had to figure it out. 

He’s not in it alone though. He still has Carla, Maddie, Isabel, and the 118 by his side. Honestly, he probably would have been lost without them. Especially those first few days when he could barely make it out of bed. Bobby had helped most of all, offering him an understanding he couldn’t find anywhere else, except maybe Athena. She helped in her own way though, making sure there was always food in the kitchen for him and Christopher, along with a stern but loving warning that he needed to pull himself together.

And he has, for the most part. This isn’t ever how he imagined his life would be. When he thought about watching Christopher grow up, it had always been at Eddie’s side. 

He sees him all over this place. In the living room where they always had movie nights. In the kitchen where they shared their first kiss only weeks before they lost him. In the bedroom especially, but Buck never goes in there. The door had stayed firmly closed for a year until Christopher found his way inside, and it’s closed again. It still feels like Eddie’s space. 

So Buck sleeps in the guest room, where he spent most of his nights here before. He supposes it’s not really the guest room anymore. Not with the house now being his and all, but he still can’t help but feel like it’s wrong. Like so many other things are without Eddie.

* * *

_"What's this?" Buck asks. He looks around the room full of Eddie's relatives and suddenly feels as if he's intruding. But Isabel had called him here for whatever reason. He can't deny her, no matter how he's feeling right now._

_At Buck's entrance most of Eddie's family excuses themselves. All but Isabel, who stays seated on the couch, her gaze focused on him._

_"I need to talk to you, Evan," Isabel says. She pats the seat next to her, and waits for Buck to sit down before she continues. "We read Eddie's will and last wishes this morning."_

_She holds out the papers and Buck reaches out a shaking hand to take them from her. "He left me something?"_

_Isabel nods, "The most important thing in the world to him."_

_"What?" Buck asks. His face pinches in confusion as he reads the page Isabel points to. He looks up at Isabel with wide eyes. "Did you know he was going to do this?"_

_"I did," Isabel says. "He was supposed to talk with you about it, but Eddie was never the best with expressing his feelings. But you must know he loved you, Evan. And if there's anyone he would trust with this responsibility, it's you."_

**_"There's no one in this world I trust with my son more than you."_ **

_The words had been big then, but he hadn't grasped just what they meant. Not until now, when he's staring down at the solid, legal proof of Eddie's trust._

_He’d made Buck Christopher's guardian. He wanted Buck to have his son. Buck shouldn’t be surprised. Eddie had always shown how much he trusted Buck to look after Christopher, but this…_

_"There's also a letter," Isabel tells him. She grabs another envelope from beside her and holds it out to him._

_Buck looks down at it, his fingers tracing over the familiar scrawl. He doesn't open it. Not yet. Whatever is in this letter is sure to break him. He needs to be alone when he reads it._

_"Thank you," Buck whispers. He clears his throat and looks back at her. "Really. But I don't know if I can…"_

_"You can," she cuts in. "I know how much you love my Eddie, and Christopher. He needs you now Buck."_

_"He needs you too," Buck tells her._

_"And I'll be here," she says. "But you will be his stability. You're going to need each other. This will be good for both of you."_

_"My apartment isn't a place for a kid," Buck tells her. "And there's no way I can find a house right now."_

_"Enough with the excuses," she says. "You don't need to find a house. Not when you have a perfectly good one right here."_

_"You don't mean…"_

_"I do. Edmundo left the house to you."_

_Buck doesn't know why he's so surprised. Of course Eddie would think of everything. He would have wanted to make sure Christopher was taken care of if anything hastened to him. That meant ensuring Christopher wouldn't have to be uprooted from his life._

_Buck owes it to them both to make sure he sees to that._

_"Okay," Buck sighs. "Does Christopher know?"_

_"Not yet," Isabel says. "I thought I'd leave it to you to tell him."_

_Buck nods, “Okay. Yeah I can do that.”_

_Buck’s not sure how though. This is new territory for him. He’s done his best to be there for Christopher the last few days, even when his own grief has been threatening to swallow him whole. He can’t imagine what Christopher must be feeling._

_“He’s in his room,” Isabel tells him. She smiles and pats his cheek. “I know Eddie made the right choice in you, Evan.”_

_Buck covers her hand with his and squeezes. “Thank you. For everything. I don’t know how you’ve done it. I feel like I’m barely hanging on most days, but you… you’re so strong.”_

_“There are different kinds of strength,” Isabel says. “I miss Eddie every day. I cry for him every night. But I still make myself get up each morning because I know that’s what he would want, for all of us. And because I know that’s what Christopher needs. I know you'll do the same, Evan. Because you love him.”_

_"I'm not his dad," Buck mumbles._

_"No, you're not. But you're family. I know if Eddie had survived that one day you would have taken on a more parental role. That just happened differently than we all expected."_

_Buck sighs heavily. She’s right. Buck had been thinking about that for a while, long before he and Eddie kissed and their relationship changed. Except it hadn’t really. Eddie and Christopher had already been so ingrained in Buck’s life that dating Eddie hadn’t felt all that different. All it meant was that he no longer had to hide his feelings, and that he was allowed to actually kiss Eddie and touch him and show him all the ways he mattered._

_At least for a time. That time had felt all too short._

_“DAD! DAD! DADDY!”_

_Buck jumps to his feet at the sound of Christopher’s panicked cries. He runs down the hall and into his room and doesn’t hesitate before taking Christopher into his arms. “Chris. Buddy, hey. It’s okay.”_

_“Buck?” Christopher mumbles, shifting slightly in his arms._

_“Yeah it’s me,” Buck says, running a hand down his back. “I’m here.”_

_“I’m scared, Buck.”_

_“Of what? Did you have a bad dream?”_

_Christopher nods and clenches his shirt tighter, “About Dad, and Mom. The water took them both and I couldn’t save them.”_

_Buck’s heart clenches at that. He can’t imagine what Christopher must be feeling right now. It’s hard enough losing one parent, but two… “I’m so sorry, Christopher.”_

_“Not your fault,” Christopher says, his small hand patting his back. “I know you tried to save him.”_

_Buck has to fight back a sob at that. He **had**_ _tried. He’d done everything he could. But it hadn’t been enough. That’s his own burden to bear though. He won’t ever put that on Christopher._

_“What’s going to happen to me?” Christopher asks suddenly._

_Buck pulls back enough to look at him, “What do you mean?”_

_“I don’t have my dad or mom anymore,” Christopher says. “Am I going to stay with Abuela?”_

_“No buddy,” Buck says. He takes a deep breath. “You’re going to stay with me. Here. It’s uhh… well your dad made me your guardian. Do you know what that means?”_

_Christopher shakes his head._

_“It means that I’m the one that gets to look out for you now,” Buck tells him._

_“You already do that.”_

_“I do,” Buck says. “But now I get to do that all time.”_

_“So you’re going to live here too?”_

_“I am,” Buck says. “Are you okay with that?”_

_“Yeah Buck,” Christopher says. He yawns and rests his head on Buck’s shoulder. “I like when you’re here.”_

_That night, when Buck’s alone in the guest room, now his room, he holds the envelope in his hands. It feels heavy somehow. He takes a deep breath and runs his finger under the seam, carefully opening it so he doesn’t tear it. This is the last thing he has from Eddie. He doesn’t want to ruin it._

_His hands tremble as he opens the paper and he takes in the handwriting that’s familiar yet so different. He never got to see it enough._

> _Evan,_
> 
> _If you’re reading this that means something’s happened to me and I can’t be there for Christopher like I want to. I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry to have to put this on you. I once told you there’s no one in this world I trust with Christopher more than you, and I meant it. I know you’ll do what’s right by him. You’ll love him unconditionally and be there for him no matter what._
> 
> _I know you would do that regardless of this, but well, I needed it to be official. I didn’t want to risk someone coming in and trying to take him away from our little family. From you._
> 
> _So I made you Christopher’s guardian. I know it’s huge. Hopefully I had time to actually talk to you about, but just in case I wanted you to have this. You know I don’t make this decision lightly. I wouldn’t trust just anyone to raise my son if I’m not there, but I trust **you**. _
> 
> _I’d be hoping we could do that together. Hopefully we have. Hopefully you’ll get this in the long, far off future. Or hell, hopefully you never get it at all, and we got to raise him together. As a family. I’ll get to tell you in person how much you mean to both of us. To me._
> 
> _~~Surely I’ve told you I love by now. If not, surprise? God. No. Let’s scratch that. This is stupid.~~ _
> 
> _I love you, Evan. If I damn well haven’t told you in person then feel free to drag my ass back and smack me for it._
> 
> _Buck laughs wetly at that, and brings a hand up to wipe away the tears now falling freely from his eyes. He can see Eddie agonizing over what to write so clearly that he can’t help but smile despite the way his heart is aching._
> 
> _I love you so damn much. I probably have since you got into the back of that ambulance with me to diffuse the bomb without a second thought. You’ve brought so much joy to both mine and Christopher’s lives, and I know you’ll keep doing that for him. Please. If I’m not there, I need to know he’s going to be happy. That you will be. I know it’s a hell of a lot of responsibility. But I know you can do this. For him. For him._
> 
> _I need you to trust in yourself, Buck. Because I do. You’re a good man, and I know you’ll be a great guardian for Christopher. Go easy on yourself. Be happy._
> 
> _Love always,_
> 
> _Eddie_

_Buck closes his eyes as the sobs force their way out of him. He tries to be quiet, knowing Christopher is just down the hall. The last thing he needs is to see Buck falling apart like this. But he can’t stop crying. He lays there, his head pressed into the pillow, with the letter clutched to his chest._

_“Eddie,” he whispers into the empty room. “Eddie, I love.” A choked sob leaves him. “I miss you.”_

_He’s met with silence, the kind that wraps itself around his lungs and threatens to suffocate him. He gives himself tonight to be consumed by the grief wrapping itself around his heart._

_Tomorrow, he’ll wake up and do what’s best for Christopher. He’ll make him breakfast and get him to school and prove to himself that he is capable of doing this. Eddie believed in him, and he has to know that belief wasn’t misplaced._

_*_

_It's not as easy as signing the papers, not that Buck expected it to be. It'll just be yet another reminder that Eddie's gone._

_It's hard enough, but then Eddie's parents, Helena and Ramon, get involved. They throw a fit at the idea of Buck raising Christopher, saying they don't want their grandson being raised by some stranger._

_That makes Buck's blood boil. He's not a stranger. He loved Eddie, and he loves Christopher._

_His parents threaten to sue for custody, and as much as Buck knows he'll fight for Christopher he hates the thought of putting him through that._

_"This is what Eddie wanted," Buck says. "I love that kid. I am more than capable of giving him a good life here without further uprooting it."_

_"I don't doubt that your intentions are good, Mr. Buckley," Helena says. "But we're his grandparents. We're his family. He belongs with his family, too.”_

_"Buck is my family," Christopher says, causing all heads to whip towards him._

_In the heat of the argument no one heard him come in._

_"Hey Chris," Buck says, kneeling down in front of him. "Why don't you go back and play in your room, okay? And when I'm done talking we can go…"_

_"No!" Christopher cuts in. "I want to stay with you, Buck! You promised! Don't let them take me away!"_

_Buck's heart breaks at his words and he wraps him up in his arms, rubbing his back as he tries to calm him._

_"It's okay," Buck tells him. "I'm here. You'll always have me, okay?"_

_"I want to live with you, Buck. Please."_

_"You will," Buck says. He knows one thing, he's going to fight like hell to keep him. "This is your home."_

_"It's yours too," Christopher says. He touches Buck's cheek with his small hand and Buck smiles at the familiar gesture. "We have each other. Like Dad wanted."_

_"That's right," Buck says. "But I need you to go play now, okay?"_

_"Not until they promise not to take me away from you," Christopher says, turning to look at his grandparents._

_"Christopher, sweetheart, we just want what's best for you," Helena says._

_"And that's Buck," Christopher argues. "I want to live with Buck, and that's what Dad wanted too."_

_"The boy is old enough to know what he wants," Isabel cuts in. "If you really love him as you say you do, you'll respect that, and Eddie's wishes."_

_Eddie's parents still look like they want to argue, but they falter under the weight of Isabel's glare._

_"Fine," Ramon says. "If this is what Christopher truly wants, we'll step back."_

_"Good," Isabel says. "And now you can kindly step out of this house."_

_“Mom…”_

_“No,” Isabel says, pointing a finger at him. “Out. I think we’ve heard enough from you for the day.”_

_“Evan,” Helena pleads. “Can I please just talk to you?”_

_Buck hesitates a moment, before nodding. “I’ll be right back.” He ruffles Christopher’s hair and gets to his feet, following Helena and Ramon to the door._

_“I know we made a lot of mistakes with Eddie,” Ramon says. Understatement of the year. “And I’ll regret every day that we were never able to make it right. But we love Christopher. We don’t want to miss out on watching him grow up because of those mistakes.”_

_“I’d never keep him from you,” Buck says. “If that’s what you’re thinking.”_

_“You’ll let him see us?” Helena asks._

_Buck knows Eddie hadn’t had the easiest relationship with them, but he still loved them and had talked about mending things. He might not be here to do it, but if Buck can do one thing, it’s making sure Christopher knows his grandparents._

_“You’re his grandparents,” Buck says. “I think it’s what he would want.”_

* * *

It’s been hard, thinking about what Eddie would want. Agonizing over making the right choices for Christopher and always wondering if that’s what Eddie would do. If he would approve.

It gets easier, little by little. Not being without Eddie. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to that, and he doesn’t want to. But this new way of living with just the two of them.

It’s not, of course. There are no shortage of people that love them and want them around, but at the end of the day it’s always Buck and Christopher. Buck tucks him in at night and makes sure he’s up and ready for school most mornings. 

He goes to work and does his job. He fought hard to keep it, and he knows Eddie would want him to keep doing what he loves. Those first shifts without him had been the worst. He’d walked into the locker room almost expecting Eddie to be there, changing into his gear. He’d hear laughter around a corner or catch a whiff of familiar aftershave and for a moment his brain would trick him into thinking it was Eddie. It never was of course. 

It’s worse in the house where they spent so much time. It feels too quiet now. Even with Christopher’s chatter and the TV on or music playing, it’s not enough to fill the void. 

Some nights Buck finds himself standing outside Eddie’s bedroom door. He’ll press his hand to the wood and stand there. For a moment, he’ll let himself imagine that Eddie’s on the other side. That he’s sitting on his bed reading one of his favorite books. He’ll open the door and Eddie lift his head and smile at him like he has so many times before.

He’s never had the strength to open it. He doesn’t want to kill the illusion he’s built. He’s not crazy. He knows Eddie is dead. He got proof enough of that at his funeral when he had to watch his best friend and love of his life lowered six feet underground. 

But he still grasps the illusion like a lifeline. It’s something he can hold onto when the rest of the world is moving on around him.

“Buck?” Christopher calls from the living room. “The oven!”

“Coming,” Buck calls back. He steps away from the door and squares his shoulders, putting on his best smile for Christopher’s sake. One day maybe it will feel real again.

“Ready to see how this turned out?” Buck asks as he reaches for a mitt and opens the oven. 

“Yeah!”

The smell of freshly baked pizza reaches his nose and his lips lift into a small smile. Especially when he pulls it out and sees the smiley face made out of pepperoni’s on the top. Making homemade pizza had been Buck’s idea. A way for them to keep their minds occupied and change up their usual dinner routine. The smiley face had been all Christopher though.

He moves the pan to the table and sets it a safe distance away from Christopher. “Don’t touch it. I want to take a picture before I cut it.”

“Okay Buck,” Christopher says. “Can we send it to Carla and Abuela? And Maddie? And…”

“We’ll send it to everyone,” Buck tells him. “And they will be jealous of our special pizza.”

“We could make them one someday,” Christopher suggests.

“That’s a good idea,” Buck says. He holds up his phone and directs it at Christopher. “Say cheese!”

“Cheeeeeese!”

Buck sends a quick text to the group chat and sets his phone aside so he can cut the pizza. He puts two slices on each of their plates and grabs some waters from the fridge.

They eat in silence, as they do most nights these days. Buck tries to ask Christopher about school, and while he usually tells him all about it, it never takes up as much time as it used to.

“Dad would have liked this,” Christopher says quietly.

Buck swallows, clears his throat, taps his fingers against the table, and tries to push down the wave of pain that hits him. “He would,” Buck agrees. “He loved pizza.”

“And he loved when you cooked,” Christopher says. His nose wrinkles. “Because he was so bad at it.”

That gets a laugh out of Buck, “Oh he was. He tried though.”

“He almost burnt down the kitchen making pancakes.”

Buck smiles, remembering that morning. He hadn’t been here when Eddie had started cooking, but he’d walked into the aftermath. It had been quite a sight, seeing the lingering smoke in the air and the flour all over Eddie. 

That’s one of the first moments he realized how hopelessly in love with him he was. Not that he told Eddie that at the time. He’d been too afraid of ruining things between them. 

Now he wishes he’d taken the chance when he had it.

“Your dad was great at a lot of things,” Buck says. “But cooking wasn’t one of them. But you are going to be great at it.”

“Yeah?”

Buck nods, “Absolutely. We are going to see to that. You’ve already got a great start with this pizza.”

“Thanks Buck.”

* * *

_“What are you thinking about?” Eddie murmurs. His voice is as soft as his fingers that are making their way up and down his arm._

_“Just how happy I am,” Bucks says, smiling up at him._

_A smile Eddie quickly returns. “Good. I’m happy too.”_

_Buck sighs and snuggles in closer, “I wish it could always be like this.”_

_“It can be,” Eddie tells him._

_“You and me in this bed forever?” Buck says, peeking up at him. “That does sound like heaven.”_

_“Hmm it does.” Eddie leans down and kisses him, each brush of lips like a soft caress as he whispers “I love you,” against his lips._

_“I love you,” Buck tells him._

_“Are you two still kissing?” Christopher calls from outside the door._

_Eddie chuckles, “No buddy, we’re not.”_

_“So I can come in?”_

_“Of course,” Buck tells him._

_The door opens slowly and Christopher appears, grinning in the doorway as he leans on his crutches. “Are you sure you’re done kissing?”_

_“I’ll never be done kissing you,” Buck whispers into Eddie’s throat to where only Eddie can hear him._

_Eddie’s grip on his arm tightens slightly. He directs his response towards his son. “Yes, Christopher. We’re done.”_

_“What do you need, buddy?” Buck asks him._

_“Breakfast,” Christopher says, coming to a stop next to the bed. “I’m hungry.”_

_“Hungry,” Eddie says. He reaches out for Christopher and pulls him down onto the bed with them. Christopher laughs and squirms in his hold as Eddie’s hands dig into his sides. “You’re hungry?”_

_“Yeah,” Christopher says through peals of laughter. “Help me Buck!”_

_“Yes Buck,” Eddie says, grinning down at him. “Save him from the big bad Eddie monster.”_

_“Nah,” Buck says. “Not a monster.” He grins at Eddie as he moves closer, his hands raised. “More like an Eddie-bear.”_

_“An Eddie-bear?” Eddie laughs. “That’s what you’re going with?”_

_“It’s true,” Buck says. “You’re soft and cuddly like a bear.”_

_Eddie’s response dies on a laugh when Buck pounces, his fingers digging into Eddie’s sides as he tickles him. “Come on, Chris!”_

_Christopher quickly joins the attack and starts tickling Eddie’s feet. Eddie laughs and writhes under their attack, Buck and Christopher laughing along with him._

_“Okay,” Eddie pants, holding up his hands. “You win. I surrender. Have mercy.”_

_“What do you think?” Buck asks, looking over at Christopher. “Should we have mercy?”_

_Christopher nods seriously, “I think so.”_

_Eddie wraps his arms around both of them and pulls them both, both Christopher and Buck taking up space on each side of him. They lay there, catching their breath with wide smiles on their faces. Buck looks up at Eddie to see him looking fondly down at him and he just has to lean up and kiss him._

_“I thought you two were done kissing,” Christopher says, wrinkling his nose._

_If Buck knows one thing, it’s that he’ll never be done kissing Eddie._

* * *

Buck closes his eyes against the memory. It’s the last real one he has of the three of them together. Before they had to go to work and Eddie was torn from them. He clings to those moments, wanting to hold them close. Afraid if he doesn’t they’ll slip from his mind like smoke in the wind.

A year and a half. That’s how long he’s had to spend without him. He doesn’t know where the time has gone. How it’s managed to slip by so easily without him noticing. 

He takes another deep breath and gets out of bed. It’s the weekend and he’d promised Christopher he’d take him to the park today. He’s not about to break that promise because he’s drowning in memories.

“Hey Chris,” Buck calls as he steps out of his room. “You ready?”

“Yeah Buck,” Christopher calls from his bedroom.

Buck peeks his head in and smiles when he sees Christopher sitting on his floor putting his shoes on. “Need help?”

“I got it,” Christopher tells him. His tongue pokes between his teeth as he finishes up. Buck can’t help but reach down and scoop him up into his arms when he’s done. “Buck, I can walk.”

“I know,” Buck says. “Maybe I just needed a hug.”

Christopher’s arms wrap around his neck and he presses a loud, wet kiss to his cheek. “Better?”

“Loads,” Buck tells him. He puts Christopher down and grabs his crutches, holding them out for him. “So what’s the plan?” Buck asks as they walk out to the jeep.

“I want to go on the swings,” Christopher answers.

“Oh we can definitely do that.”

It’s almost a routine these days. They walk the path at the park to the swings and spend maybe half an hour there before walking the path some more. Christopher will play with his toy fire truck in the grass while Buck sits on a bench looking out over the lake and trees. They’ve done this so many times now. It’s almost ingrained in them. But something about today feels different.

Buck doesn’t know if it’s because he can’t shake the memory from earlier or what. But there’s a prickling sensation along his skin. Almost as if the wind is trying to tell him something. What, he has no idea.

Buck's eyes land on a figure in the distance. So familiar it makes his heart ache. He wants to go to him, but he knows better. He's not really here. It's a trick of Buck's mind. That’s all. It can’t be anything else.

"I see him too sometimes," Christopher says. 

"What?"

"Dad," Christopher says, nodding his head towards where Buck had been looking. There's nothing there now but a lone tree. That's probably all there ever was.

"You see your dad?'

Christopher nods, "Not a lot, and he doesn't say anything. But he appears sometimes. Is that what he meant when he said he'd always be with me?"

Buck closes his eyes, letting the cool breeze calm him. "Maybe, buddy. Really I just think he meant he'd always be in your heart."

"Like he's in yours," Christopher says. "Because we love him."

"Yeah exactly." Buck runs a hand through his hair, just to give himself something to do so he doesn’t focus on the way they’re shaking.

"I still like to think he's there," Christopher says. "He's watching over us. Like a guardian angel."

It's a nice thought. 

Buck looks back towards the tree to see Eddie there again. He smiles and nods his head and Buck can swear he hears a quiet voice carried in the wind. 

" _You're gonna be okay_."

For the first time in over a year he believes it. The road isn't going to be easy. He's going to miss Eddie every day. But he's not alone. He has Christopher. Together they'll make it through this. They'll be okay. 

One day, years and years from now, when Christopher is all grown up and Buck's lived a full life like Eddie wanted, he'll join Eddie by that tree and they'll embark on their own journey together.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to everyone that read this! Hopefully it wasn't too painful. Kudos/comments make my day 💜  
> [My tumblr](http://tabbytabbytabby.tumblr.com/)


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